THE GAME OF COURTSHIP Series - 4 BREAK - UP

                                             THE GAME OF COURTSHIP

                                                           Series - 4

                                           BREAK - UP

The hardest part of any relationship is a BREAK-UP and it definitely breaks heart and brings dark circles under the eyes. Why it happens? When everything is going fairly well, how come there comes a break?

"ROUGH EDGES"

Well, Here I am not talking about flings or one night stands, they do not qualify under the team Break-Up. They are supposed to start and are short lived. I am talking here about real and true relationships. A very common line that seals up the deal of BREAK-UP is “we are getting separated amicably”.  

I don’t think so. You see, the whole scenario of BREAK-UP from it’s beginning to end is described by only one word, that is “Contempt”.

How a relationship reaches to the level of contempt?

Well this is very well described by Guttmann [Marriage Councillor], who have the ability to accurately predict the prognosis of relationship or marriage weather or not it would be successful or end in a break-up or divorce.     

He has described it as four hoarse men of APOCALYPSE [According to Christian faith, the time when the world ends]. The first level he says is DEFENSIVENESS whenever there is a negative emotions in a relationship, and things are discussed between them and if one party, instead of getting involve in healthy conversation, start to get irritate and escape, these shows the early signs and symptoms of some undercover ailment to be caught in future, if not treated well.

The second level is STONE WALLING. If there is frequent increase in such episodes of escapism in one party, this lead to frequent fights and complaints which is mainly done by women and escapism is the style followed by men. The women keeps on complaining and men gets irritated and try to avoid such situation hence they start stonewalling from relationship. Though this could be vice-a-versa but it is generally gender biased where women complainants and men stonewall.

The third level is when the complaints get converted into CRITICISM. Like “you never listen”, “you are so insensitive”, “you are selfish” etc etc. Though this is not good for solving the problems popping in a relationship but if counselled well the pathology could still revert back leading to cure.

But the death of relationship comes when the game reaches superior level of CRITICISM that is CONTEMPT. It is an insult for other person and it always, as a rule, generates haltered for other. You can still deal with defensiveness or stonewalling to a criticism like “you are so insensitive”, but when it is completely replaced by calling each other names and using abusive language like “Bitch” and “Scumbag” [my apology quoting such words, but there is no better way that I could make you understand], the relationship have reached an incurable pathology which would always as a rule would terminate in death of relationship.

The use of ‘Contempt’ is not gender biased and is equally used by both men and women.

“SMART-ASS” GAME OF BREAK-UP

There is another way also to criticize the other person and at same time rendering him or her speechless in public eyes, which is common practice of people with guile. This is very well elicited by Dr Eric Berne in book, “Games people play” under the game “Sweetheart” or “Honey”. In this one party passes subtly derogatory remark about other person disguised in end with anecdote like, “Isn’t it right sweetheart or “Isn’t it true honey?”.

The other party goes in fix, how to respond to a person, who though criticizing is still calling them sweetheart or honey. This is also hard road though sugar coated would lead to “Break-up”.

So, people start seeing the early signs of this disease and try to nib the evil in it’s bud and before it spreads like cancer.

 Start getting SMART in a relationship.

WHY CAN’T WE SEE IT COMING EARLIER

For anyone, to predict these four horsemen coming, while still in love is next to impossible.  It’s only during the twilight of relationship they abruptly realized that their chemistry didn’t match and now they have to go separate ways. It is because when down with love they do not find any fault in other person even though he may have many, even though those faults are very irritating to live with and one have zero tolerance for it. It is because at starting the judgment is clouded by so many feel good neurochemicals like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocine, norepinephrine which makes love completely and congenitally blind.

And finally after couple of months the magical mist of the love start to diminish the true colours becomes evident but now it is too late.

You can very well argue, Isn’t TRUE LOVE, means complementing each other and accepting each other without terms and conditions?   

Very right, I haven’t said hate the sinner, I have said hate the sin. No one deliberately drink the milk with dead flies in it. All I am saying open your eyes and thoroughly understand the deal in which you are getting into, otherwise “Temporary happiness now, will become the whole and sole reason for distress later on”.

 SIDE EFFECTS OF BREAK-UP

Pain of break-up is equivalent to the physical pain. You see, while in love, as I have priorly elicit, there is increase in feel good neurochemicals which make new, happy circuits in our brain and reduce our stress level. But as soon as the Break-up enters the life of lovers, there is an abrupt end to production of these neurochemicals, hence breaking away all those circuits and putting the mind and body in lot of stress.

One of my patients had an abrupt end to her relationship. This guy, out of blue moon, suddenly decided to stop talking to her, or replying any of her text messages. The girl was left confused, what have she done wrong, she failed to understand. It’s been three weeks since and yet she can’t come to terms what have gone wrong. “At least, I am worthy of an explanation!”  She always says that to me.

Her days in and out are occupied with crying, brooding, feeling bad for herself, devouring chocolates and ice creams and losing interest in her environ. She has become complete mess up and hence it’s affecting her social life along with her professional life. The only question that hover her mind is “Why”?

This is a typical reaction of female to a Break-UP. Their friends suffer more as they are in continuous persue to explain the victim, that still colors have been left to life and it is not the end of the world. Girls would think about suicide, but to commit it, is seen in less percentage. They are more weepy type.

 On contrary to it, guy’s have a very aggressive approach to a Break-up because of Testosterone and other androgenic hormones that flood their system. They approach is violent, either suicide or homicide. They go into deep layers of depression and the thought of killing oneself seems as the only penance for them.

It’s painful, very painful. But the best way to deal with it is PATIENCE. After all, I have to conclude it with one line...

“BEST REVENGE IS TO LIVE YOUR LIFE PERFECTLY”.

This brings me to end of the series “THE GAME OF COURTSHIP”.

Check out next week the epilogue to this series, “LOVE AT BLINK”.