MY RAYMOND MAN !

                                     MY RAYMOND MAN !

She willed herself to not check her phone to see if he had replied. It had been about three days now. She hated that she was constantly checking his ‘last seen at’ status and yes, he had logged in just five minutes ago. Yet she couldn’t stop herself. This sinking feeling to find absolutely no communication from him was becoming unbearable, almost torturous.

And then, just as she sat down in her chair, her phone vibrated. With her heart thudding in her ear, she unlocked her phone and started at the screen. Finally! It was his message.

But when she opened it and read it, she nearly stopped breathing. She didn’t know if he was joking or not. What was this?

She knew she needed a consult from a wise person to decipher the ulterior motive. She couldn’t dive in alone and again, worst would have been messaging him back in an impulse. She picked up her cellular and digited those well crammed numbers.

It was picked at ultimate beep and without a decent greetings came the screeching sound from other side of the line, “Poonya Bali, do you realise I am a busy doctor, trying to save lives here.”

“MJ, do you realise I am your sister and I am dangling between life and death here.”

“How serious, on the scale of one to ten?”

“Of course ten....”

“Sharp 2 pm, my lunch break.... will have only fifteen minutes for you, got it.”

“That’s enough for me MJ, thank you.”

Dr Mahi Jasmere aka MJ, her first cousin happened to be the most sanely balanced person in her vicinity. She was the one who taught Poonya all the rules and loopholes of courtship. She made her cram like the parrot that love was nothing but an increased level of serum oxytocine levels which shut down the scrutiny centres of the thinking brain and made them completely blind. MJ gave her the protocol for whom to fall and whom not to fall in love with. But even after this vigorous tactile training she faulted, fell in love with the Casanova, Purshottam Bharadwaj, who kept bouncing in and out of her life at his whimsical ease turning her life nothing more than a train wreck.

And now again when she caught him flirting with another dame and subsequently was accused of being the jealous girl friend and consequently punished for three days of pin drop silence, he was back again to reignite the spark.

“Are you kidding me? Are you listening to what you are saying?” Were the opening lines from MJ after listening to Poonya’s love tale at their two pm meeting.

“I know, I am sorry.”

“And still you don’t want me to tell you he is not the right guy for you PB.”

“I know....” Poonya responded.

“And still you are craving to have him back...”

“That’s why I am sorry but MJ people sometimes do change for good. Can’t he have that benefit of doubt?”

Calling each other by initials of the name happened to be the customary ritual of this family.

There was the marked disappointment on MJ’s face. She had lost all her nerves explaining to PB and there was nothing more left under her human power to do except to be complacent with her demands. “PB, I am asking you one last time, how serious are you for this guy, on the scale of one to ten?”

“Definitely ten!” came an instant reply.

“Think before what you wish for as the wise say because sometimes wishes do get true. But if that’s what you want then tell me what price are you ready to pay?”

“Is this possible MJ?”

“Just answer the damn question?” MJ was irritated they were running over past their allotted time.

“Anything and everything in the world.” PB said with the twinkle in her eyes.

“Fine, come tomorrow and all your troubles will be put for rest forever. And one thing you have to cross your heart and keep it a secret, no matter what happens, you can’t reveal it to anyone.” It was MJ’s final verdict.

Though PB nodded and was interested to know the intricate details but she couldn’t risk challenging MJ’s patience here, when she could clearly see she was at the end of her rope. Questioning her modus operandi here would be jinxing her wish granting Santa Clause avatar. Therefore she held her silence, desperately waiting for a new day.

“Here take this....” Next day MJ gave her some medicated powder in a big vile.

“What the hell, my life is a joke to you?” PB was thwarted.

“No, that’s why I am giving this to you. Two spoons daily in his food or drinks and he will fall head over heels in love with you in ten days, never leaving you ever, glued permanently to your existence till eternity.”

“Is it some kind of black magic or love portion?” PB had that puppy dog curiosity in her eyes.

“Layman call it that but I personally prefer calling it science at its best, delivering cent percent guaranteed results but.....”

“I knew it; there are always difficult terms and conditions....”

“Shut up PB, just listen. All I am saying is that you have to follow up with the regular dose, the day you skip doses, he will return to his old playboy self.”

“Any side effects?”

“Headaches, little nausea, slight vertigo, mild weakness.... nothing that you can’t live with. Once he is accustomed to it, then they will fade away too.”

PB was euphoric as if she stumbled over the genie in the lamp, “Thank you, my fairy god mother.”

“Oh! Sure, good luck Cinderella, go for the kill.” MJ smiled back.

It’s been four days since she has been religiously following the dose plan and yet her boyfriend was miles away to show the traits of being her ‘preux chevalier’.

Frustratingly she called MJ to inform the debacle of her magic love portion but MJ preached her the miraculous results of holding up to virtuous patience and she turned out to be right too. On the very fifth day, he suddenly, in an overnight time, mutated into loving, caring, adorable man, the aspect of his personality that laid hidden to PB.

And thereafter she was taken care of like the queen by him. For the first time in her life time, she had her man’s undivided attention. She was in an ultimate bliss. He had flooded her with gifts and wanted to spend time with her, wanted to share all his secrets with her. PB was living every girl’s fantasy.

On the seventh day PB called MJ telling her the marvellous results of the medicine. She heartedly thanked her too.

The eighth day she called MJ to tell that how possessive her boyfriend had become that the other day when she was talking to some random guy he became all jealous. She secretly liked him getting all envious, it was like making him taste his own medicine. Moreover he was using more words and expressions in his conversation with her and also gave her a patient hearing. For first time in her on and off relationship, she was indeed being heard. The feeling was quiet new for her but it felt awesome.

She couldn’t thank MJ enough for drastically changing her love life.

On the ninth day when PB called MJ, she seemed little tense.

She said, “.... look, he is changing, that’s very good, but today he cried.... Boys do look sexy with couple of droplets moistening their eyes but if it comes like flood, it’s awful. He had leaky eyes and nose moment today, where I was running short of handkerchiefs to dab his tears.... It felt as if I am dating a jealous cranky sissy girl. I hope it’s not one of the side effect of the love portion.”

“Transformation sometimes is stressful process that takes toll over the man’s vitality and virility. Don’t worry it’s just a transient phase and will wane away. All you need to do is make him feel comfortable and loved.” MJ explained.

“Okay... But how exactly am I going to do that, any suggestions?” PB was confused with MJ’s heavy vocabulary.

“Consummate your love.....”

“Excuse me! Let me get it straight are you vouching me to go for pre marital sex?”

 “What’s wrong with that?” MJ was blunt.

“Ten days back you were against me to keep any ties with Purshottam and now you want me to seduce him.”

“Why are you acting all surprised PB? It was your decision to be with the guy who was named Purshottam by his parents even in this century. Since it was your only lasting wish, all I am doing is to guide you to the pot of the gold at the end of the rainbow.”

“You have changed MJ. You have transformed into the sister I never had. Thank you to be my mentor, thank you to be my lighthouse in the dark stormy sea.”

It was the tenth and final day of PB’s trial. At the stroke of midnight she would finally get her man forever. MJ on other hand had night duties at the hospital and she was bust giving instructions to the bunch of interns under her in her chamber. Suddenly the door flung open and in came the furious PB, hissing like the snake, “What the hell you have done?”

She gave a damn to the audience present in MJ’s chamber and the chain reaction of the babbling tongue that she ignited with her demure.

MJ on other hand was quiet calm and composed and not at all surprised as if it was on the tonight’s menu. She said to her apprentices, “My sister sometimes becomes hysterical. Guys it’s not much of a trouble if you give us moments of solitude with each other.”

Soon the room became vacant except for those two sisterly souls.

“He couldn’t perform.... the rowdy Romeo couldn’t even start... and I know it’s all because of that powder that I am feeding him with for past ten days, so don’t try to lie on my face.”

MJ just looked at her and gave her a smiling nod.

“Oh! My god! I trusted you and you thrust a dagger in my back. You were supposed to be my pillar of support and true friend but you chose to be my ambush enemy. It was your nefarious plan from the beginning and the entire time you were playing me. I wish you had been honest with me.”

“Didn’t I try to tell you the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow was an illusion but you were stubborn? I tried reasoning with you that guys like him come and just disturb the apple cart and then move on but you were obstinate. So now when I have walked you to what you wanted you are still complaining, girl you are impossible.”

“That’s not what I wished for....” PB was all broken.

“The thing with wishes is that they have those asterisk term and a condition, which one gets’s to see later.” MJ was direct in her endeavours.

“What did you give him exactly MJ?”

“The cocktail of female hormones.... oestrogen, progesterone, prolactin....”

“Oh! MY god! You practically turned my macho man into a woman.....” PB was purring again.

“That was the only way to win over the untainted loyalty of that playboy.”

“You want to say that the only way that I deserve the love of the man is when he is turned into a woman, it’s the incomplete man that I have willed under my name by God....” the stream of tears gushing down from PB eyes.

For the first time in the conversation MJ was diluted by that flow, “Oh! Sweetheart you deserve better, you deserve a complete man, your own patent Raymond man but that man is not the one. You can only tame that playboy and keep it at short leash but you can’t force him to love you. He will keep smirking around to find his soul mate for whom he would change his ways and will his loyalty to. But let me break it to you as politely I can, you are not the one. You have to let him go.”

“MJ I fear I will never be able to find the right guy for myself, it’s like searching for the proverbial needle in the haystack.” PB was wailing noisily now, hugging MJ, wetting her Doctor’s coat with her tears, sputum and saliva.

“Of course you would. Every great thing needs time, don’t be so pessimistic..... And I am sorry that I hurt you... I had no other option left to prevent you from drowning.... I had to, I risked a lot on the table, my career, my practicing number, I hope you would understand it.”

“I know it sister... I know it...” PB was still hugging MJ.

Once PB’s tears started to dry off and she was regaining back her composure, MJ asked her, “What are you going to do now?”

“You are right, I think I will give my luck little time to flourish. I am going to wait for my Raymond man. I am going to break away with Purshottam.... By the way MJ, did we make that Casanova impotent for lifetime?”

“No we did not. Once the dose is stopped, the residual effect of the prescribed doses would wane away and gradually the girl within him will die a salient death and in no time he would be back to his game. But for now he is going to window display to you the classical symptoms of sissy girl going under the break off. Don’t get sweept away with his tears. Always remember it’s the girl within him, which we created, doing the entire role playing.” MJ said.

“Never, thanks for the warning though. Look at the irony of the fate, it’s like he is facing the music, the Karmic justice of the universe. It’s like what you sow, so shall you reap, what goes around comes around....”

“Stop guilt tripping yourself PB. If you are so much conscious stricken order him the chocolate cake that will balm his wounds but for god sake stop your justifications to your act. You have done nothing wrong.” MJ reprimanded PB.

After the momentary silence PB looked up at MJ and with that naughty smirk on her lips she reverberated and modified MJ’s dialogue, “The chocolate cake to balm the playboy’s broken heart....”

The random vocabulary tickled their humour bone and both girls went into boisterous laughter spell, echoing in the vacant hall and lasted for quite a while. The sisters in arms had finally achieved the feast to win over the world by flagging the enemy’s post.

HAPPY REPUBLIC DAY TO ALL MY READERS.

PROUD TO BE AN INDIAN!