BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE BOYS {SERIES – 2} PLAYBOY’S HATRICK

          BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE BOYS

              {SERIES – 2}   PLAYBOY’S  HATRICK

Ten years back, this time of the year was really very unnerving for me. I had myriad of things seeking my attention at same point of time like chemistry, physics, maths, biology, their assignments, projects, school credits and approaching board exams. Every morning I woke up making a schedule, permutation and combination of them to their decent time slot and by the night freaked out by the schedule. It was not like that I was the problem child but at that point of time the world seem turning upside down.

But for lucky few that I came to know that every month of the year is the love month February and their world is garden of red roses, personally decorated by cupid himself.

I AM THE MAN

Hari, seventeen years old, lean, 5’6”, science student {non- medical} in final year of high school came to me for the treatment of sebohrric dermatitis and acne rosacea. You can miss him for any Indian teenager having issues but when you come to know him better, he is actually the one creating issues.

His all season, full time thing is to make girlfriends, apart from that he sometimes studies to solace his parents who have been financing his school fees, coaching fees, guitar classes {he is a part of Punjabi band, not because he want to be a big rock star, because it is cool and add to his credentials to make girlfriend}, his pocket money and his miscellaneous errands.

He was dating three girls at that time. I asked him, wasn't it difficult for him to manage, but he enlightened me with his first hand experienced rules of the “DATE GAME”, and abiding to them no danger could ever come hunting for him. 

THE PLAYBOY LOOKS – BASIC PHRENOLOGY

Massive hair growth on head – brain full of ideas {in his case irrational ones} and also day dreamer

Round forehead – creativeness

Bushy eyebrows – creativeness

Eyebrows joined at the center {above the nose} – secretiveness, slyness

Small eyes – narrow thinking, secretiveness

Long and narrow commissars {corners} of eyes – polygamous eyes {believe in having many partners at a time}

The outer corner of eyes turned upwards – deceit and slyness

Long nose – carefulness

The tip of the nose pointing downwards – dramatic personality

Breath of bridge of the nose small – lack of veneration

Pinched nose – lack of ideality and sublimity

Fullness, redness at center of upper lip – excessive amativeness {sex love}

Lower lip lacked fullness and redness as compared to upper lip – lack of benevolence and kindness of hear

Narrow jaw – witty jaw

Chin protruding in front – avarice

Dimples in cheek – approbativeness, love for praise

Ears round and small – love of music

PLAYBOY’S AUTOGRAPH Y

{The first hand experience in his own words, nothing edited, cut or changed}

I have just entered my teen along with rest of the boys of my class and suddenly there was enormous pressure on us to prove that we are the “NEW MEN” of the world and the one who scores the best would be the new teenage “BOND” of the school.

All we have to do was to date girls as many as we can. There was rush to choose the date girl, it was like the Diwali sale rush, if you missed this one, you have to wait one full year for it to come back and definitely you lose opportunity to look good at Diwali and earn happiness by making your rivals jealous.

As a starter, I was not that smart and quick, there were falls and mistakes, but they helped me learn and become the master of the “ DATE GAME”, I don’t want to sound pompous, but I kinda become the “LOVE GURU” of generation next. 

MY  FIRST  AND  ONLY  THREE  MISTAKES

FIRST MISTAKE   -  UNNECESSARY MESS

I was thirteen and under lots of pressure and I already said I was not that smart, all the cream around me was getting booked with every passing day. It was so unnerving for me as I was losing the valuable time and simultaneously crashing out of the race. But by the grace of god, I found one girl to date, though she was not at all{she was the one and only non Punjabi girl he dated}, even near to what I thought my first date girl would be but it’s alright I am not going to marry her after all. She was my next door neighbor. I dated Ghani for a while, though I was not much interested, she was just to boost my male ego in front of my other male friends.

The chick talked so much that my head started to buzz. It took her some time to realize that I was not interested in her. I don’t know that whether she became angry or started a revenge drive, she unnecessary got me into different brawls and one of them got ugly and that to with my another neighbor, Hash. It went so blown out that things reached our home. The most guarded secret was out and my so called girlfriend tried to save her skin and poured all the acid on me. Her mother came to our home and fought with my mother and accusing me of stalking and adulterating her innocent daughter. Can you believe that, that girl was so impossible?

First I got out with injuries spoiling my million dollar face with Hash and then severe punishment by my folk’s abandoning me from all the perks and luxuries for months. They say time is the best healer but they don’t give us exactly how long, the exact figure. In my case it took about six months to get back to normal. In those six months I took very important decision of my life, never to date neighbor chick {not in 5 km radius}, never to get in any brawl for the chick and definitely not dating any non Punjabi girl {my chemistry never matches with them}.

SECOND MISTAKE  -  FUTURE PLANNING

After having diabolic relationship with Ghani, I moved up to next level and it was then that I met Mills, she was beautiful, smart, Punjabi and not my neighbor. It started as the fling and I don’t know how and when I started to have feelings for her, surprisingly the great Hari was falling in love with a girl. I am adventurous so I thought why not?

I tutored her, showered her mother with gifts {well, this really work guys} and did his school assignments, gave her all perks to be my lucky girl.

Things started to become so serious that I did the biggest blunder of the date game; I started to plan future with her. Her father was the chef in one of the most famous restaurant in Italy and the whole family was about to move over there. So I planned how to maintain the long distance relationship with her and when I would be through my hotel management degree, I would move there and she will then introduce me to her father who for the happiness of his daughter would help me in my career and when I get little stability I would marry Mills and we would have three kids, two daughter Emma and Suzan and one son Carlos {I even accepted non Punjabi names of my kids for that girl}. It was like a fairy tale.

What was I thinking, I was so naïve and then I repeated one of my last mistakes that I got into fight for her and that too with none other than my favorite opponent Hash. It happen Hash and Mills were in same coaching classes and Hash wasted no time to leash out the poison against me as soon as he came to know that Mills was dating me. And that stupid girl whom I thought I love, fall for it. How can girls be so irresponsible and unbelievable?

With a bruised heart and face, I learned my lesson hard, no deep involvement with chicks and no more fighting; after all I couldn’t afford to have scars on my pretty face.

THIRD MISTAKE  - ULTIMATE FLING

It took me a while to get over Mills. It was during my ninth standard examination, I sat there writing my answer sheet that for one moment I lifted my eyes, just for a moment only and I couldn’t believe myself what I saw.

A girl sitting in the diagonally opposite class was secretly glancing at me from her class’s window and smiling at me. I looked up to the imaginary god and thought in my mind, seriously god, at this moment and then without wasting another second of my life, I looked at her, tilted my head and smiled back in my most lethal signature way {it never, ever fails}. She giggled and automatically I know that laughter of approval. But as the anti climax, the stupid, stupid teacher jealous of chemistry brewing between us closed the damn door.

The same day I found her on the face book and send her the invitation to be friend and she accepted. Her name was Pooh and she was a Punjabi. We chatted on internet but in reality ice between us was still to be broken.

I came to know that she have a friend Neds who happens to have a crush on my best friend Bector and she could not approach him as he have "no dating girl" type image. There was a solution, I help her and she helps me and we made a deal which worked fabulously. I and Pooh and so Neds and Bector were the couple.

I had ultimate fun with Pooh and at same time I was careful not to repeat my previous mistakes. I was happy and high on my success that I ultimately landed in a perfect fling, but providence had another lesson left to teach me.

Neds broke with Bector and she kind of take out that revenge from me and spilled all the beans about our deal to Pooh. It was supposed to be a secret that we were suppose to take to our grave. Can you believe that girl, how can they be so impossible? Things fell off between me and Pooh. And I learned the last lesson of the date game, never ever take a via route, always approach the girl directly.

NOTE – he was the one who became the “TEENAGE BOND OF THE YEAR” for dating almost every girl in the school. This title was announced during his farewell.

MORAL

There is no second opinion about it; boys are always going to be boys.

BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE BOYS {SERIES – 1} MR. Mc RICH, HOT, STEAMY

         BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE BOYS {SERIES – 1}

                              MR. Mc RICH, HOT, STEAMY

What will be your first thought that strikes your brain when you see a young, tall 5’10” or 5’11”, very handsome, very white or I must say angrez white man, clean shaven, hairs groomed in trademark Elvis Presley’s quaff, wearing black Ray ban aviator glares and Van Heusen’s attire from his branded vogue wardrobe stepping out of brand new white Audi C4.

There opt to be different reaction according to your gender. In case you are a girl, definitely your mouth will open in awe, pupils going to dilate, cheeks flushes, mouth feel parched,tachycardia {increase heart rate}, butterflies in stomach, weakness in knees. You will day dream, thinking him to be the brave knight riding on his white steed galloping towards you and would sweep you off your feet and take you to far- far away land and since time thereafter you will live happily ever after.

But, in case you happen to be a guy, the response is a complete contrast until and unless you are gay. Immediately the heat of rivalry flares up. Pupils contract, head pull up high exposing the neck, breathing become strenuous and deep, ale nasi {nostrils} expand, chest drawn forward, shoulder firm and biceps, triceps and hamstrings tightens and hands close forming a fist. You will feed your ego by referring him with abusive slang and would find comfort calling him a spoil brat and explain that with patriarchal financiers behind back anyone can act like a hero but the real steel is only checked by working hard under the sun and sweating profusely. And your last solace would be in calling him high class chikna {slang for the possessor of delicate features}.

In case you ask my opinion, I will say…..

Mc DONALD’S STORY

In last two years I have a quarterly visit in month of April, August and December from a very handsome, young, tall, fair and very rich befitting the above description, patient. He takes a prior appointment, comes, sit patiently for his turn and when finally gets an opportunity he tell the same old, his personal Mc Donald’s anecdote featuring him as the victim {character which is always constant} and a predator {character being changed every time, played by various talented girls} who prey him for their whims and fancies, as told by our rich boy. I suppose I am going to make it into guinea’s book of record of hearing the fable of rich boy again and again, it already have been six times.

Before revealing out the details of his Mc Donald’s legend, let me brief his biography. It have a striking similarity to typical bollywood flick, only son of big business tycoon family of Delhi, parents died in a car crash when he was seven; grand parents took care of him, fulfilling his all demands so that he shouldn’t feel bereft of parental love and affection. Even after so much pampering he didn’t turn into a spoil brat but instead completed his graduation, did a MBA and earnestly joined the family business. He always describe himself as very sentimental, emotionally vulnerable, soft hearted introvert {last word was hard to believe as he is a very talented dancer, won different dance competition at college level and took part in few reality shows though never won them, because he let others win because he melts on every sob story}.

Here is what happens in Mc Donald’s story. Every time he eat at Mc Donald’s, there is always a beautiful girl who shows keen interest in him and approaches him and our habitually sentimental rich boy can’t even in his dreams think of breaking anyone’s heart, reckon her advances, worst falls {every time} in head over heels in love with her and plan spending whole life and growing old with her, but as the cruel fate have its own rash ways, that after dating for approximately four months{surprisingly, every time} he get dumped by the same random beautiful girl from Mc Donald’s at the same venue where their eyes clashed for the very first time.

His broken heart need to be mended and hence require a doctor who could listen to his story patiently and sympathies with him and give him some medicine, for that I have been appointed and for last two years I have been doing my job very earnestly. 

But as soon as his injuries get healed he again jumps back into the love and dumping game, repeating exactly same sequence of event but each time the predators being different with varied weapons of their lethal charm which become too much for him to deal with and as a consequence he falls back into same ditch. According to him it’s not at all his mistake and all blame goes to the providence which is playing games with his soft heart.

PHRENOLOGY

• Round forehead – artistic qualities
• Wrinkles on forehead lying horizontally across the nose, near it’s root – executive wrinkle
• Large convex eyes – sentimental and amative
• Outer corner of eyes deviated little downwards – easily persuasive personalities
• Long narrow and regularly well arched eyebrows – aesthetic qualities
• Muscle filling at root of the nose – self will, never to give up kind people
• Oval cheeks – agreeable types
• Convex nose – executive nose
• Tip of nose pointing downward – artistic and aesthetic presentation
• Unusual degree of fullness redness and moisture of center of upper lip – excessive sentiments and amative love
• Full and red lower lip – great eater {so this explains visits to Mc Donald’s} and great speaker, sociable lips
• Excessive Fullness good color and moisture of lower lip {fresh appearance lips} – excessive imprudent benevolence
• Convex outward curving of middle portion of upper lip –pompous, blow hard personalities
• Downward droop at either side of center of upper lip – domestic traits, love for children
• Dimpled chin – ant of approbation and praise
• Muscle filling at center of chin – love of his locality, love for the nation and country
• Muscle filling below the sides of lower lip – love of home
• Palm up position {exposing the whole palm} while hand shake {decoding by body language} – docile, vulnerable trait 

  WHY, IT’S ALWAYS ME?

His recent Mc Donald’s heart break wounded him deeply this time and his remorseful eyes seek the answer to console his poor victimized soul.

RB – rich boy                                                                Doc - me

RB – Doc, I fail to understand why its always me getting dumped, I break no one’s heart and this is the reward I get.

Doc – {its been six times that I heard him, now my patience was giving up a little and irritation was making inroads} you want to hear the truth or sympathy?

RB – {startled a bit} for starters’ sympathy would be good.

Doc – {in monotonous tone} they were not good for you. Sooner or later you are going to find a good girl.

{After I completed my sentence there was a huge silence for couple of seconds, he looked at me, but I didn’t react}

RB – that is it….. Nothing more you want to say today.

Doc – yes! I have nothing more to say because those are lies and I am done feeding your ego with them and this high time RB you confront the truth.

RB – the truth?

Doc – yes the bitter truth. RB you are the most Mc hot, Mc rich and Mc steamy guy at Mc Donald’s, but as soon as you open your mouth you become Mc sentimental which for short time looks impressive but for long continuous period it is unbearable, no one can tolerate your whining about being very emotional for long especially yours Mc date and that is the reason your Mc love story ends up being ludicrous. If you want to spend your Mc life with any worthy woman, you got to shed that whining baby outlook and become Mc smart and Mc brainy.

RB – You really think I am Mc hot and steamy.

Doc – from the whole thing you just could understand being Mc hot and steamy, good. You don’t want to confront the core matter. 
{Made my voice stern and enunciated} STOP eating at Mc Donald’s, in case you eat, STOP looking around, in case you do look around, STOP looking at girls, in case you still can’t abstain yourself, put a scrutiny to your choices and in case the scrutiny fails and any Mc fling girl filters through it, DON’T unnecessary open your mouth and in case you can’t shut up, go to step number one STOP eating at Mc Donald’s.

RB – wow! You are Mc cruel doc.

Doc – I am Mc realistic and practical. Do you follow? {He didn’t reply. I again asked this time sternly} do you follow?

RB – yes I do. I do follow.

Doc – good for you

NEXT QYATERLY MEET!

RB – Hey doc!

Doc – you back again!

RB – your genius protocol just failed and I got dumped again.

Doc – great!

RB – don’t be sarcastic, I changed, I did change. I did exactly what you said. I stopped eating at Mc Donald’s. You know how difficult it was for me to get my taste buds accustom to SUB WAY. Yes doc, now I am the sub way eater which makes me sub hot and sub steamy synonymous of humble self. You always say be subtle, now look I am on path of being subtle, it also have a sub in beginning. I also became sub sentimentalist, isn’t that a good thing? Seriously it worked positive for me, as after getting dumped this time I didn’t feel the severe pangs of pain as earlier. Thank you for that. But still sorry to say that your awesome plan failed and I got dump again. You got to figure out some other back up plan.

{I stared at him in disbelief and my jaw dropped and my eye balls were on verge of abandoning their socket.}

RB – what?

Doc – nothing, nothing at all.

RB – than start thinking again.

Doc – yes sir!

Moral

{Continuation from introduction}

…. If you ask my opinion, I will say……

“Rich boys, poor boys, gay boys, play boys,

Tall boys, short boys, thin boys, fat boys,

Handsome boys, not so handsome boys,

White boys, dark boys, without exception,

BOYS ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE BOYS!”

THE LAUGHING BUDHHA

      THE LAUGHING BUDHHA

“Crying is sometimes good!” said a person sitting beside me. I smiled and didn’t retort as I was being obliged with the lift back home and didn’t want to be kick out of the car in the middle of nowhere but it kind of encouraged him and he continued, “So tell me doc, when you cried last?”

To avoid the shrink’s question I passed a general statement, “everyone cries at certain point of time, nobody can be happy all the time, so what’s good about it to be talked about?” But later on I was forced to think about what I said, in fact chew it back. What if someone is always happy all the time, I mean just HAPPY, HAPPY AND HAPPY? 

The famous adage states that excess of everything is bad, so it means that excess of happiness would be also lethal.

TIME – 11 AM

One fine morning sitting in my clinic and seeing outside through the transparent tainted glass door and appreciating the magnificent artwork of the biggest aristocrat, the god, and how his creations fill our mind with serenity but we humans amateur keeps lamenting, brooding, whining and get depress with no apparent reason at all and give up the chance to appreciate the lord’s beautiful world.

As I was going through these chains of thoughts, the transparent tainted door opened and in came a girl in her early twenties, probably 5’3” from the ground level including her block heels. I asked her to sit and asked her the same monotonous question that how am I suppose to help her?

She said she wasn’t the patient but it was her mother. I frowned as I like to see and talk to the patient first then any other of their acquaintances. She understood my frown and she replied very innocently that before she could bring her mother she needs to brief the case to me.

DOC – ME                                                                  G – THE GIRL

Doc – what’s the matter with your mom?

G – Do you have treatment for psychiatric cases?

Doc – { well, that’s one of the best talent of homoeopathy, we have medicines that can change the psyche and get people rid of their illusions, hallucinations, delusions and dejavu powers they think they possess} yes, but it depends and varies from case to case. Is your mother depressed over something? {And my thoughts traced back to my initial ones, condemning amateurish human nature, but immediately I told myself to concentrate, concentrate, concentrate}

G – {She said hesitantly} on contrary, she is happy.

Doc – {shocked} excuse me! You want me to treat your mother because she is happy?

G – I know it sounds so weird and of course, like a good daughter I want my mother to be happy, but not always like happy, happy and happy. Well I don’t know how to put them in words.

As she was spitting those outrageous words from her mouth, my radar got alerted and I started with the phrenological  scanning of her face, to rule out whether it was a trap to make a fool out of me. 

Bright clear flawless skin – honesty

Curly hairs – intelligence

Eyebrows curved and in vicinity of eyes – practical about facts of life

Big bright almonds shape eyes – honesty with no trace of slyness

Ears round small and in their sockets with no unduly protruding – facts supporter

Nose long running downwards – carefulness

Broad nasal ridge – veneration

Two straight perpendicular lines running from the septum of nose to center of upper lip – high quality modesty

Full red upper lips – love an amative quality

Full red lower lip – benevolence and generosity

Muscle filling under the lower lip – love of home

Broad chin – conscientiousness

Cheeks well curved with redness of health

·        Upper part of cheek – friendship

·        Middle part of cheek – hospitality

·        Lower part of cheek – refined domestic traits like cooking and serving

RESULT - After forty five seconds of psychoanalysis – no trap, no joke, earnest victim, and final verdict – HELP HER.

Back to the conversation 

G – my mother like any other house maker, good wife, good mother, good daughter–in –law, taking care of everything perfectly and of course off and on brooding, lamenting over the difficulties of life, fighting with dad, scolding me and my little brother and occasionally, more than occasionally crying {oh! As she enunciated the last words, I remembered the shrink who started with the crying concept, which altogether is a different story and then I suddenly realized that I have to concentrate, concentrate and concentrate}.
But that was perfectly normal till off lately, to be specific, two months back and now she is just happy. All she do whole day is to crack unworthy jokes and laugh at them and be happy, happy and happy {I could sense the irritation on her face}. No scolding, no fighting, nothing seems to piss my mother off. Doc, seriously no one in this universe could be happy all the time. There is something wrong with her; I think she is going insane.

Doc – I see, is there anything else you want to tell?

G –     {Bit hesitantly} yes… she kind of start doing things with my dad openly.

Doc – {confused, asked for further clarity} things?

G –      Adult things.

Doc – {I smiled broadly and nodded my head} – I got it.

G –     Grown-ups do adult things but my parents are even beyond that age they are all old-ups now. For god sake I am 21 {bravo! I was so right about her age. Damn it! Concentrate, concentrate and concentrate} and the last thing that I ever want in this world is to witness my parent’s second honeymoon. My dad has started to complain but she is high on love.

Doc – high on love, hmm! {It rings a bell} is your mother on drugs?

G –     Oh! She hates taking medicines.

Doc – no, I mean, drugs {I gave a deliberate pause and again enunciated the last word} drugs?

G – Drugs…{She repeated, but as soon as the fact transpired in her she became agitated} you mean ganja, heroin, morphine types drugs.{I nodded} oh my god! my mom is on drugs, ah! She meets the drug dealer.

Doc – {if I had not stop her, she would have gone on with her weirdest imaginations} calm down, I am just asking?

G – Not that I am aware of. You mean really?

Doc – bring her in and we will find for ourselves.

TIME – 11.30 AM

A lady in her early fifties entered the clinic. You could give her a miss for any other home maker woman except the fact that she was very red like a tomato. She came, she sat, and she talked and laughed. She seemed as the LADY LAUGHING BUDDHA.

PHRENOLOGY SCANNING

Curly long hairs – intelligence

Broad forehead – good memory skills

Big almond shape eyes – honesty

Curved eyebrows – artistic qualities

Long nose – carefulness

Broad and curved nostrils – constructive qualities

Red full lips – love of children and benevolence

Cheeks well developed – domestic traits

Broad chin – prudence and conscientiousness

Dewlap under chin – knowledge of economy, believes in savings

Ears round and small – good listener

RESULT - FACE OF PERFECT INDIAN HOUSE WIFE

Everything about her so perfect, then why these continuous unexplained laughter. My grey cells shuttling between the remedies of material medica fanatically , but no appropriate match found, as soon as I pick up my pen and zero some medicine, I realized there is some missing link, what was it I couldn’t trace it at that particular time.

Homoeopathic prescription is based on uncommon, characteristic symptoms. It could be possible, what I am confronting may not be an uncommon symptom, maybe it could be trail to something devastating happening inside her body. Except her flared up face and deep cuts at side of lips, nothing seemed wrong with her anatomy.

Finally, I picked up my pen and asked the departing question to my patient whether or not she have any pain in any part of her body, to which she pointed at  a typical point on right lower abdomen and explained it maybe be a gastric disturbance, cracked  a joke over it and laughed loudly. Her daughter stared her and I stared at that point and it is Mc BURNY’S POINT.

G – {Astonished she watched me} – which means in English….

Doc – it’s the point where appendix lies.

G – so this appendix is making my mom a psychopathic freak.

Doc – it’s too early to say that. Let’s run few investigations on her blood and urine sample. I think I got a lead.

MATRIX DECODED

After going through her mother’s report, I told her that her mom’s serotine levels are high in blood and urine shows presence of 5 hydroxyindoleacetic acid. Which indicates towards the carcinoid syndrome and since she is having pain at Mc Burney’s point, the location of tumor is on appendix which is confirmed by her contrast MRI.

G – So appendix was screwing her up.

Doc – actually the serotine being generated by tumor cells were giving her sense of false euphoria. It explains your mother persistently high on happiness and love things.

G – She haven’t gone mad, it’s just a tumor {there was a sign of relief but instantly it converted to deep concern} is it cancerous, this tumor on her appendix.

Doc – the carcinoid tumors on appendix shows low chances of metastasis and have good prognosis after they are surgically excised.

G – Which is translated in English that my mother will live.

Doc – yes and she would be able to cry again.

I couldn’t believe that I would ever say to my patient, what I said in my last sentence to that girl and on contrary she smiled back at me. How much I hate to say that, it turns out my shrink was right while saying “crying is sometimes good”.

Whatever, I learned my lesson, though I have to chew back my own words in my own mouth.

MORAL

Kabhee khushi, kabhee guam. [Alternate emotions expressed sometimes with smiles and sometimes with tears.]